Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself to reflect your values, needs, preferences, and desired outcomes in any given situation. They can be hard and fast rules (never taking recreational drugs), or more lax ones that can vary (“While I normally would be happy to help run errands with you, I’m tired today so I think I’ll just skip out”).

It is important to identify, establish, and honour boundaries in order to respect yourself and the people around you. It is a first line of defense to be sure you are not neglecting your own well-being, happiness, or comfort, and if done properly, it can help strengthen your relationships with others. Establishing boundaries will allow you to continue to care for your loved one with compassion, devotion, and commitment without feeling lost or swallowed up by your role.

While it may be easier said than done, knowing how to create and communicate your boundaries effectively is a vital skill. Here are some tips that can help you navigate boundaries in a caregiving role:

Set boundaries according to your goals and priorities: It may be beneficial to ask yourself questions like: what does this person need? What do I need? What can I do for them without neglecting myself? These questions can be brainstormed by you and a support group, or discussed with the person you’re caring for so that you can create mutually agreed upon boundaries. For example, if you are caring for your mother who gets upset if you don’t take her all her appointments, chatting with her about her needs may reveal that maybe she just craves your company. As a result, she may learn to respect that you don’t have the bandwidth to attend each appointment but you can promise to call her regularly, so she feels like she’s receiving your attention.

Monitor yourself: Staying in tune with your emotions, both good and bad, can help you identify when you are starting to feel taken advantage of, irritable, anxious, or overwhelmed. A boundary is usually established when we realize that something someone else is doing is violating our comfort or our values. By checking in on our own feelings, we can learn to figure out what type of boundaries we need to keep.

Reach out to others: When caring for others, responsibilities and tasks can become very burdensome and heavy. It’s crucial to have a solid support system to help you stick to your boundaries. Friends, family members, coworkers, neighbours, and community support centers are all wonderful sources to tap into.

Learn to say “no”: Saying “no” can cause discomfort and a feeling of guilt and shame. But saying no is a sign of self-respect: you cannot do it all, all the time. And if you simply cannot handle saying no, learn to at least say ‘no, but here’s what I can do’ and then find a sweet spot that still honours your boundaries.

Hold yourself accountable: It takes one to break a boundary the first time, but two to break it twice. If someone ignores your boundaries consistently, try exploring the patterns that may be encouraging that behaviour. Are you enabling them by just sighing and excusing it? Or are you respectfully pointing out how their dismissal of your boundaries can be hurtful to you?

Learn to be comfortable in your discomfort: Caring for someone else can be draining. When you establish a boundary to help curb that exhaustion, it can spark feelings of guilt and shame. You may even get pushback from people who can call you selfish or harsh, but there is nothing bad about prioritizing your own health. On the contrary, setting boundaries allows you take better care of others while still taking care of yourself.

–Nazila Tolooei

From Share&Care Summer 2025
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